Worst Aviation Disaster
Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Newfie Airliner
An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the newfie pilot has to land on wits alone.
"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"
The newfie co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too ..."
Happy Hour in Newfoundland
A Newfie saw a sign at a restaurant.
It read....
Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer.
"Lard Tunderin Jaises!" he says to himself, "Me three favourite things!"
Three Applicants
There were three newfies interviewing for the same job. They had scheduled appointments one after the other. The first Newfie was called into the office, and was told that all he had to do was answer a skill testing question. So he said "ok, what is it?"
The interviewer said "I would like you to make a question using the word 'sweater'."
The Newfie said "ok, my mother........knitted me...... a nice sweater."
The interviewer said "Very good. I will get back to you." As the Newfie was leaving he was told to send the next Newfie in. So, when they met, the second Newfie asked the first one what he had to do. So the first one said that he had to make a sentence using the word "sweater" in it.
So, the second the Newfie walked into the interviewing room, he said "My mother knitted me a nice sweater!"
The interviewer was suspicious, so when the third Newfie came in he said "I would like you to make a sentence using the word 'fascinate'."
He said "My mother.....knitted me a nice sweater........ with ten buttons.....but I can only fasten eight.
Drinking Buddies
Bob and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bob said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz... You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bob says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bob says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?"
Bob says, "No....."
"Well," Jim says, "DON'T! I'm in Thunder Bay!"
Newfie Love Poem
SUSIE TOBIN FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE SHE WAS SO 'APPY 'BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE, MAID, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANUDDER. I'D JUST AS SOON YOUR MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "DERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY DEAR, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOUR MUDDER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOWS IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.
BUT MUDDER KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU 'APPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU HAIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
Tiger Woods in Newfoundland
Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"
The Newfie and the Genie
A drunk Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the Newfie, "Give me TWO more of these!"
{ABA} Tristan
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